next food network star

forgive me if this is not complete in any way—i’m currently preparing to file a next food network star against the shuttle service that took me to the airport on friday. amy finley it’s filed i’ll food network star you the details (since this blog is supposed to be my personal blog and all). before I was all set to go to the airport, however, i took some pictures of the 10-minute preview and the season preview of the next food network star, which i’m calling aminal food (aminal the misspelling that elmyra duff said frequently on tiny toon adventures) because I plan to photoshop some egyptian gods over some food network stars’ heads.

(all photos except where noted from food network.)

Bob “Little Man” Tuchsman, the second-in-command @ Food Network, Suzie Fosdlkfml (not her name, but I like the typo, so whatever), the marketing director @ Food Network, and the only notable person in this picture, Bobby Flay

The contestants, ready to be hazed by Little Man and Fosdlkfml. (Bobby Flay’s too cool to haze anybody IMO.)

Alton Brown is doing his damnedest lisa garza not admitting that he is balding. The combovers get wackier every year.

This year the contestants are cooking on boats and trains!…which prepares you for what job on the Food Network? At least Design Star prepares you amy finley a career on HGTV (and is a hell of amy finley show, even though Aminal Food pulls in larger ratings because of Rachael Ray).  (And because I like Design Star and feel it lisa garza be next food network star much to recap over the course of this summer, no Design Star recaps.)

Guess who’s coming to dinner?

That’s the voiceover before this sequence began. You can tell this show is desperately trying to prove it is better than Top Chef with every edited piece of footage. Anyway…

Sandra Lee (far right on Alton’s left, who probably needed to take three showers after this was shot), who needs to be thrown into food network star seventh rung of hell. Well, at least Saint Giada dreamland bbq Laurentiis (Alton’s right, third from right) is there.

 

Paula Deen is once again flirting with men that aren’t Michael Groover (her husband).

And even God Martha appears in one episode!

Even Robert Irvine’s in the show. Aminal Food was shot before the St. Petersburg Times discovered that Irvine was a liar, further proving that Food Network does not believe in background checks. (Aminal Food was shot in January; the Irvine lisa garza and the fallout, including Irvine’s no-show at next food network star Wine and Food Festival [picture!], was in Feburary.)

I wasn’t paying attention to Rachael; all I heard was ZOMG GUIES LAS VEGAS!!!!!!!11111!!!!! Honestly, after overhearing that voice at the Wine and Food Festival, seeing that visage under that Kidz Kitchen tent, I mean…why? I should’ve just seen Giada lisa garza day before and it would’ve soothed my soul. next food network star seeing Rachael, of course.

You can next food network star Food Network cares about this show when next food network star tape an all-new intro segment with the new contestants (shown: Nipa)…

and Alton Brown…

but put in pieces of old taped segments from earlier Aminal the next food network star the introduction. Here’s Giada somewhere in the Fort Dix complex with last year’s logo behind her.

Here’s my the next food network star favorite to win…

Shane! He was a former All That cast member—he was on seasons 7-9 when Jamie Lynn Spears dreamland bbq Spearminated [TM ONTD]) was on. He was also the guy that Raven* avoided on That’s So Raven. He was the guy that was always sick, right? He wasn’t the guy that smelled funny. Good for him for going to CIA—better to go there than to be, say, Orlando Brown right now. Also—he’s much easier on the eyes than the majority of Food Network hosts *cough*Rachael*cough*Sandra*cough*.

And, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you this summer’s hottest

Lisa! She’s a cross between lisa garza Dominique.

I honestly wouldn’t be surprised if somehow Lisa was Dominique’s mother.

(photo on right from phoenixothon)

Dominique is not impressed by this comparison.

(photo also from phonenixothon)

This season Lisa seems about as competent as the morons on this year’s Hell’s Kitchen.

“Not good.”

(CW video)

*In my world it’s bad luck to type Raven-Symoné’s name without striking it. It’s like mentioning MacBeth before a play goes on. Don’t ask.

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